Blogging, has not only been a cozy cotton pillow that comforted me during the happy times but also has proved to be a punching bag whenever I vented out frustration and rage .It takes all those punches without whining and yet it has time for me always without ever turning its back in any situation.I have never-in this short stint of blogging- had any reservations about writing a post as I don't back off from writing anything that touches me.But this time it was not so.The uncertainty was not as a result of the fear that it might be misinterpreted (I could never blog if I ever reflect on that misinterpretation part) but because of the timing and my principle of Do not write when the rage is red hot.In spite of all this, I felt that if I fail to record this one,then I risk the chance of not capturing a genuine emotion. Giving it a shape and writing may not only lighten the mood but also may entertain you.Can give few things for you to think. Above all,the real motive I doubt is the possibility of using this idea or the lines in some of my other ventures in distant future :P. So I said,TO HELL WITH TIMING and started writing this.Keeping aside the fury,frustration part and all that,one more dilemma contributed to this post.Let me unwrap the exact episode....
Just another day...Just another guy...Or rather just another office-goer...Who looks forward for Friday evenings and whole heartedly despises Monday mornings....I threw myself into the bus seat .Unusually the day was pretty peaceful ,but funnily my mind being habituated to fret everyday, looked for a reason to sulk and wanted something to ponder.It browsed the deep reserves and settled on one, which has been nagging for a long time(Possibly months/years).This deep buried thought -which surfaces time to time from mind- emerged out vividly requiring an instant scrutiny and resolution.
Nothing new..The dilemma was,what to do when something or someone upsets you and it needs some attention.What do you do when your value and respect is at stake.In this,Something-upsetting part gives less of a headache than someone-upsetting part. Someone-upsetting part warrants a lot of thinking before you make a decision.Normally "somethings" do not have the same sentimentality attached as it is with "someone". Most of the time you ask yourself,"Should I let them go or cling on?". The situation is more or less like a 4 year old kid taunting and getting under your skin.You can't just overlook since he considers it as his victory and have a go at you bit more. Neither can you go mad and repeat what he does,after all he is a lovable kid.
When mind mulled over these thoughts my eyes settled on the only good thing in the MTC bus apart from rare good looking girls :P.That thirukural read,
இன்னாசெய் தாரை ஒறுத்தல் அவர்நாண
நன்னயம் செய்து விடல்.
நன்னயம் செய்து விடல்.
(Means, the best way to punish someone who hurts you,is by doing good which embarrasses them for what they have done..May be a kind of original version of offering your other cheek when you are slapped concept).
Just a co-incidence or a message for me?.Such ideas has been iterated on those lines of being good- for centuries- that says, you grow as person when you be more good where you have every right to be rude and wrong.It says, to forgive others is the biggest of all virtues and it is the attribute of the strong.That time my mobile beeped announcing the arrival of another useless text.I opened.It read,
Compromising on our values for others is like selling our soul for those who won’t even realize/remember that we took a turn just for their smile.
Yeah,that's more like it,more human.Its insensible to be good when your compromise is mistaken and taken as an advantage. When the worth of you and your compromise are put to test, refrain yourself from doing it.To offer your cheek to get slapped turn after turn for people who do not know the value of your good nature is a madness.Fair enough.Another timing message.(Did I consider this useless text?.I cursed myself.).A bit more deep contemplation revealed that not only stop being good at moments serve the purpose but also being tough and rude will ensure your value or ( rather in absolute terms) the respect is preserved.There I realized THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING RUDE.When arrogance and attitude are considered as a mark of toughness and your good-nature /sacrifice is perceived as weakness then it becomes bloody hell important to show how tough you are.It becomes a necessity to nurture your ego a bit.
I reflected on where it went wrong and realized that its when I did not draw a line for what people can get from me.Its when I started being the same to everyone giving the same amount of concern to everyone.Now I have learned the lesson,give what you get in multiples and do not be the same to everyone.Not everyone wants to be your best friend even if you wish.Not everyone needs to know you inside out.(Normally I don't consider something as a friendship when this normal How are you?..I am fine... conversation takes place.My opinion is,real friends are with you always knowing everything about you than popping up once in a while wanting to know how is your life).When you be selfless and be all nice instead of having your space then this happens.Simply Don't complicate things..
At a personal level its very pathetic to sit and blog like this instead of imbibing all the reflection in action.How much ever the situation emphasized the importance of being rude,in reality I find it difficult to do that.Mind thinks a lot before making a decision and in those moments I ask whether I have grown old?.Where was the kid inside me who did not care about consequences and take decisions on his whim.When I want to be rude and don't manage it, it feels like its because of cowardice.But i guess its not so.In One of my previous posts I remember writing, There are two kinds of relationship one,in which you value your ego more than the relationship and the other in which you value the relationship more than your ego.
When relationship with people which is valued more than ego goes sour one can not be rude.(all the bloody hell flashbacks plays in mind).I realize that is what happening here and not lack of courage.(Not bad to have affection as weakness).And it is what hurts more too when that value is not understood,when the people who you chose carefully and whom you trusted will be there for you always behave otherwise.Whatever it is finally I just miss the kid inside me and badly want him now.
I really miss those days where I act according to my whim and make decisions just like that with out giving a damn about the outcome and implications.Never have I given a second thought to say BUZZ OFFs to F OFFs, no matter who it is,when someone upsets.A kid who doesn't have fear for the future,who doesn't allow the past to tie his legs with iron chains hampering to move forward,who had immense faith and belief in future,who pardoned everyone as much as he punished,who has the heart to smile after shouting at someone when they ask for apology,Who was a raging bull who never heard of the word fear and who felt anything is possible in the world.I miss that kid who said with a sheer mix of arrogance and confidence that the company was unlucky to get him when he pathetically flunked interviews.I feel nostalgic to get back that kid.(its always funny in my case in all those years as a kid in school I was very matured and thoughtful but when I am a grown man today I want to be a kid).
I don't know what makes me blog like this.May be that kid banging inside was sick of all this drama(right word i guess).Or may be that kid had emerged out with out my knowledge and dramatizing just a simple thing.Could be,yes. Sometimes I feel that I'm expecting too much than what people can offer and get upset for not so worthy things.May be there is always a kid in me permanently always wanting to be pampered as opposed to the heroic I-can-be-alone persona.Always seeking attention and care or at least a wave from a distance every now and then saying I'm here.And there were/are people who nurtured and encouraged that expectation of kid with so much of love and care.I guess the kid starts resenting when that pampering abruptly stops.
Its understandable that people don't get time and they have their own life.But it really shows up whether people don't get time to spend or don't want to spend time.It upsets more when this thought of people's not-wanting- to-spend-time comes.It just blows the rage out of proportion.That's where this need of being rude and frets arise.In a way I laugh at others notion of ignoring someone if they really mean it.Sometimes its childish and it brings a smile saying Funny guys.As far as I'm concerned my notion of ignoring someone is Not even bothering to look over the shoulders.I have been upset and indifferent but never been pushed to this extent of ignoring someone.When I make such a decision it may well be a decision for lifetime.When hate embraces my heart no one can be as cruel as me.Mark those words.Luckily that has never happened and will be very hard to happen.(I am sensible and quite understanding..Have gotten a touch higher patience and tolerance level.I don't let down people easily.).
As per my notion of giving a place in heart to only those deserve, I am very picky and choosy in getting well along with people and be friends.Obviously all those friends of mine have not just got my love,care and friendship but they have earned every bit of it.And the price being genuine flawless affection and care (which is the only thing I expect) and a bit of tolerance (especially with my pranks and teases and with occasional outbursts of anger at times in blog posts like this.)..I feel very bad when they throw away that respect they earned just like that.(I am a bit vulnerable on this front of relationships and that is why I take a long time to get along with people). One way its stupid on their part.Being my friends they should know that they have that right to abuse me if I go wrong (few of my closest friends knows that and they make use of that abusing part well which I don't mind as long as I have the privilege of having a go at them back ).Instead they end up making matters worse.
What ever it is,the lesson for me in this is to unleash the kid again and to have space for myself more. Someone said,Loneliness, when accepted, becomes a gift that will lead us to find a purpose in life.Not sure on that but I feel that Loneliness, when chosen is a bliss.And my schedule(both given and self made ) provides enough time to keep me busy.I enjoy the solitude.Whatever the hell is, I will finally find my way.No big deal.
Actually when I started writing this the first question was,what the fuck am I doing here?.Why the hell am I writing this?.I have a schedule to keep up and already running behind.I have this plan of the world cup post which I should have been writing now and another short story.But something made me to take this up.To be frank this is very trivial thing to write about but the magnanimity of frustration(lot there to keep me engaged :P) made me to write this.I mean,I just wanted to lash out on something(it might not look like bashing as it had underwent like 100 edits :P.Else it would have been way too offending.Now only the topic is red-hot but I guess the content has cooled of coz of the edits).The fact is I needed something to lash out solely to vent out the frustration and this was the least of things I found which can be posted in a blog(others are way too complicated and can blow my BP level.).Finally this is absolutely not aimed at hurting anyone.I wrote this is as a remainder,more of a lesson to myself.(For sure If i had decided to corner someone it would not have been this soft and nice :P :P..Trust me I can be stone-hearted sometimes.. :P).